The dream is over, the Royal Couple of Cute has apparently parted ways as Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. (I know, I know, try to contain your tears).
The press has been lapping up the juicey tidbits written by Jolie in the “how, why and feel free to b**ch” section of her divorce paperwork. Oh how could this fairytale romance have ended?
Let’s break down her “reasons” shall we? (Notice all the feminist buzz words from her.)
He Won’t Let Me Focus On Muh Careers!
According to Jolie she wants to focus on her “humanitarian” work and Brad just doesn’t get it! He wants *gasp* to focus on HIS job of, oh I don’t know, paying the freaking bills for her and her adopt-a-thon mansion! How dare he want to work when she has a “career” of being a big, powerful, refugee hugging, mega-hippie! How dare he!
He’s Mean to Muh Kids!
Let’s excuse for second that Jolie has made Brad the international champion of cuck, by filling their home with a Benaton ad of kids that aren’t his and then turning his one biological child into a transgendered basket case before she was old enough to enter her first Montessori preschool. No, if that weren’t enough now she’s shocked, shocked I say, by the way he apparently treats the children!
Let’s get one thing straight about we ladies. Our parenting is all about cupcakes, hugs, rainbow birthday parties and Pinterested school box lunches. Dad on the other hand does the dirty work. He’s trained to, it’s in his DNA. When a kid screws up, Dad has an inate desire to punish the child. Women, in general, do not (unless they are psycho single mothers trying to over compensate, then abuse is rampant). Back in the day, before women’s lib, women didn’t love to hear a child get spanked or sent to time out, but we stayed out of Dad’s way.
Now women are told our whole lives about the superiority of all things women and we’ve decided as a culture that Dad’s methods are abuse and we’ve traded discipline of any kind for cookies and participation trophies. (Greatly damaging our children in the processes, I might add). Angelina has decided that Brad should have no say in how his kids are raised which brings us to Brad Fault Number Three…
Oh Lawdy, He’s Dangerous!!
Fetch your smelling salts and clutch your pearls ladies and gents, Angelina has accused Brad of being a big, bad, scary monster that she fears might be dangerous for the kids! Let’s get one thing straight, spiders of the floor feel “dangerous” to we ladies so we are typically not trusted sources on true danger but this claim serves one huge, freaking purpose and that is to get Jolie the sole custody of the children by claiming Pitt is one typewriter away from a Shiningesque hatchet tirade. Without interference from that nasty old man, Jolie is free to let her children run feral and grow up to be the stunning people all lib kids turn out to be (right Rosie O’Donnell?)
Good luck sweetie, better put the drug rehab center and the city morgue on speed dial.
He Wants Friends and Like, a Life, Outside of MEE!
Brad really, I don’t understand why you won’t just make money without working, sit down and shut up about the children, act as Jolie’s humanitarian secretary (here, hold her bag while she makes a speech) and just be freaking happy to stay at home EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! But no, you must disappoint all of humanity by daring to have friends and go to Hollywood parties! You ogre! Don’t you understand that having a social life or interests or hobbies outside of your wife’s approval, participation and dominion is simply not allowed under the the Laws of Feminism, section 4, sub paragraph F? My goodness, Sir, you deserve what you get, may God have mercy!
He’s Been A-Steppin’ Out On Me!
Oh yes, the cognitive dissonance is real. Let me tell you a story of a sweet young girl who married the sexy, talented Brad Pitt only to have her dreams smashed by a home wrecking hussy who decided to have an affair with HER husband while on the set of a movie, hence causing a divorce from said sweet girl.. Oh, Jolie, did you think I was talking about you? (Que evil laughter) of course not, you ARE the hussy, at least you were, now you claim the shoe’s on the other foot and you expect respectable people to give a darn? Good luck with that! I’m betting the affair is one of two things…
1. A paranoid delusion brought on by your menopausal induced anxiety and psychosis or…
2. The only way Brad can literally do a freaking thing FOR HIM SELF. Push a man away and guess what? He goes the heck away. Own it.
Well, Angelina, I can’t say I like your politics, your example of womanhood, your xenophilia or your let’s-make-sleeping-beauty-a-lesbian movies but let me close by saying I wish you all the best of luck raising those rainbow babies all by your lonesome as you spiral further and further down the Joan Crawford route in an attempt to bully someone, anyone, into giving you some shred of love and respect.